I could really use My Husband right now

I am so livid and pissed right now at the government. They have decided to screw over the military and on the 15th, make it half pay. The worst part is the half pay isn't with Rob's deployment pay, it's the pay he would get if he were still here with me at home in the states. This really sucks and I scrambling trying to figure out how I am going to pay bills, get groceries and oh yeah, an Easter basket for Kailyn. 

I am not worried about the extra stuff like netflix, or gamefly. I am worried about my electricity how I am going to feed Kailyn and the extra money to spend on Easter. I can't not get her an Easter basket, she would be devastated to no end and I don't want to break her heart. She has been doing so good while Rob is away and she doesn't understand what is going on with the money. 


So thank you congress for possibly taking Easter away from my daughter, and me not having enough money to pay bills, get gas or groceries. Way to screw over the people who defend this country so you can sit in your comfy office chair without any worries and get your stupid paycheck. 


That's another thing, congress has made sure that they get their money instead of the military. How cold hearted is that? I say pretty cold hearted and stupid because you can pretty much bed that those who voted on this freeze of pay will not get voted in next term.


Ugh, I really need Rob here, he is my rock and I am on the brink of losing it. If it weren't for Kailyn, I probably would have by now.

Getting a little better

It's getting a little better here at home not having Rob here. I still miss him like crazy and so does Kailyn. I think we have gotten closer to each other since he has left. She is always hugging me, kissing me and asking to help with stuff. She never did this with Rob here. She would hug and kiss me every now and then, but not like it is now. I am loving every minute of it. I am gonna take advantage of this while I have it. 

I am also on the path to losing to weight. So far, I have lost 16lbs. I still have over 30 to go before one of my goals, but I am very proud of myself for losing those 16lbs. I am not eating as much and I am trying to work out every day. Today, I kind of slacked off and got lazy mostly because I got no sleep last night. IDK why, I just kept waking up every hour and then at 4 am a storm hit here hard and I was pretty much up from then on. So, I wait for Kailyn to get ready for school, take her to school, and then come back home and try to lay down. That didn't happen for a couple of hours because Rob skyped me, which I am not gonna tell him that I don't wanna talk to him because I'm trying to sleep. 

So tomorrow right after I take Kailyn to school, I am going straight to the gym here at my apt complex and either doing the elliptical, treadmill or do some p90x. Not quite sure yet, I just know that I need to keep active and not get into my usual routine of being lazy. I am tired of being overweight and seeing my stomach be as big as it is. I am also tired of not feeling confidant in myself anymore. When I was in high school, I wasn't super skinny, but I was skinny enough that I felt confident in the clothes I wore and didn't feel a need to hide my body. Now, all I want to wear are jeans and t-shirts because I want to hide my body in these clothes. I have nice dress clothes, but the thing that sucks is they are from a plus size store and I never thought that I would be buying my clothes in plus size. I don't feel attractive enough. So I am going to change this, and work hard to reach my goal before the summer and then keep working to reach my ultimate goal.

Feel Like a Failure

Now I will be one to admit that I am not good with the finances. Rob would ask me to pay a bill and then keep track of how much was in the account after each bill payment. He would also calculate how much we would spend on groceries and make a list. 

Here is where I feel like a failure on this subject. I paid the bills, went grocery shopping and tried to keep track of the account, but I forgot about the bills that automatically come out. Rob calls me and asks if I had been keeping track of the money, I told him yes and how much was in there. I was wrong, it went from a few hundred to just 3 dollars because of the other bills that were taken out. I feel so bad and horrible that I practically left him with nothing. I still have some money in my account that I don't plan on using unless it's a necessity, so I put 50 of my money into his account. 

I still feel horrible, and I cried for about half the day. Lesson learned the hard way. Always look at ALL the bills and see what is coming out and what is due before groceries, or extra (I picked up pictures that were done last weekend). This next pay check, I will not make the same mistake twice.




On a better note, I took Kailyn to a birthday party for one of her friends that is in her class. She loved it and was running around everywhere with her friends just having a good time. I am glad that she is able to play and keep her mind off of daddy being gone. I know she misses him and loves him very much just like I do, but I know keeping her busy is helping with the time.

There are some benefits

To having Rob gone. I don't have to do as much laundry, groceries are going to be cheaper, and I get to spend more time with my daughter. The last one is the best benefit. Let me explain why. We are pretty much the same, down the attitude, so we butt heads a lot. So for both of us, this a time to try not to butt heads and become closer. I think so far it is working. I haven't yelled at her as much, and she has been pretty good here at home and still doing really well at school. 

Now of course, the cons outweigh the pros as stated in previous blogs, but for now as long as I look at the little bit of positive I have, it helps with the coping.

Longing

Kailyn and I finally got to talk to Rob today for a few min. It made me miss him even more, but at the same time, I got comfort in being able to hear his voice. Kailyn told him about her day and that she loves him. He didn't have a long time to talk only about 5-10 min. 

He is doing fine except he hasn't gotten any sleep for the last two days. They were supposed to be ready to go somewhere else and then it didn't happen. I can't go into details for security purposes, so this is all I can say.

I am getting better with the sleeping thing, but the bed still feels empty without him. I want my husband here to hug me and hold me like he does every day, and of course I want the sensual part of that too if you can catch my drift :P. I can't wait until he is back in my arms and me in his. I need his strength.


On a different topic, today was my first day to do the shopping by myself and that was an experience, because I am the type of shopper that if I see it and want, I usually just grab it and put it in the cart. Well, I couldn't do that today, so I had a list and pretty much got everything on it without deviating from it one bit. There were a few things that I didn't get because of price, but they weren't food items so it's ok, I can get them on the next go around. I think the most expensive thing I got was the dog food, everything else was under 5 dollars or just over it. I am very proud of myself for this accomplishment, as trivial as it may be. Well off to go and take care of my sweet daughter and make sure she is ok.

How hard is it to be a military spouse?

Well, let me tell you. Right now, my husband, Rob is deployed and will be for the next year. This is his first deployment so you can guess that this is mine as well. Granted it's only been a week, but I hate not being able to see him everyday, talk to him in person or even have a daily conversation with him. Sucks, not having him in bed with me or even in the house. I feel alone and scared now that he is gone.

Yes I have friends here who come to check on me and ask how I am doing, and I tell them I am fine, but really I am not. It's just a front for my daughter. I have to be strong for her and not cry in front of her otherwise she will cry making it harder for me to stop. Kailyn is only five and knows that daddy has to go away for the Army and that it's for a very long time, but I don't think she knows how long that time is. I am gonna try to keep her as busy as I can to keep her mind off of things, but if she is anything like me, she is gonna have her moments and just start crying out of no where and realize that daddy is gone and not coming home at the end of the day.

This is just a tip on how hard it is being a military spouse, especially one with young children. I will continue more later, as I can not write anymore from my crying keeping me from seeing the screen.